Tonight Show Writing Packet

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GUEST SEGMENTS

-Pin the tail on the donkey

-Flip cup

-Ring around the rosie

-Soccer

-Trust fall

-Go around the room and say your name and where you’re from

-Kickball

-Edward Fortyhands

-Wall ball

-Chutes and Ladders

-Russian Roulette

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SKETCHES

Jimmy plays a skater boy who skates and says “Radical!” or “Tubular!”

Jimmy and a guest have feet for hands and hands for feet. When they shake hands or high five, it’s two feet kicking each other. They have to walk around with shoes on their feet-hands. Huge laughs if done right.

Jimmy banters with The Roots about race politics in America while wearing a fun wig and/or hat.

The Jimmy Fallon Giggle Hour. Throughout the whole show we have PAs on their hands and knees, tickling Jimmy with feathers from every angle. This will ensure maximum giggles for the show’s entirety, I really feel like you guys lose viewers every moment Jimmy isn’t laughing out of nowhere at nothing.

Jimmy screams compliments at his own crotch.

Jimmy eats pudding while wearing a diaper. The dialogue can be some version of “gah gah goo gah I am pudding baby” or like “yum yum slimy poops that taste delicious” or y’know, maybe we don’t need dialogue, it’s strong enough on it’s own.

Jimmy sings a song as Erykah Badu.

Jimmy does all his impressions at once (I think this could be really impressive and my prediction is that it will end up still coming out as just a Bill Cosby impression but I think that’s fine, I’m sure he won’t make any edgy comments since Jimmy has never heard of rape, I read that somewhere)

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MONOLOGUE JOKES

News today, Trump says he plans to deport anyone that looks “darker than tan.” Bad news for my new Avengers spin-off / kung fu super group, “Stark or the Chan.” (Robert Downey Jr. and Jackie Chan walk out. Large applause.)

Anyone heard about this? Apple has postponed the new iPhone launch until 2020. This gives me some time to play Angry Birds without having to update my Zune. (Angry Birds walk out. Wow the applause.)

Big win for Kanye, it looks like Kim Kardashian is pregnant again with a baby girl. Kim was quoted as saying “I just hope the baby is healthy.” Kanye was quoted as saying, “I just hope the baby has a normal size butt unlike her mother so she don’t ruin Kim’s- (A baby walks out. Oh my god, the fucking applause.)

This was a crazy story, Elon Musk is developing a new kind of skin. “Epidermystique” will be a translucent coat that can be applied to people’s skin, making them permanently impervious to sun exposure. Said guidos tanning at the Jersey Shore, *Pauly D voice* “sounds to me like a real ‘Epider-mistake’!” (Jimmy’s skin falls off. A good amount of applause.)

What a week for yogurt fans, Activia announced that- (Jimmy poops his pants. Jamie Lee Curtis walks out. Applause like god damned thunder.)

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Clown Ulcers

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This failed enema of a president dwelling in his spider web treehouse with his bloated brood of raccoons, donning haunted gangrenous smirks as the national consciousness metastasizes into over-wrought hysteria.

This orange burlap sack full of simpering bats, wiggling his half-soft turd arms to entertain his legions of bewildered bootlickers as they lap up the poisonous watery cum-snot, piddled on the groundswell by his shriveled chlamydic plantain dick.

This rasping elegy for tranquility, an incessant wart on the deflating phallus of capitalism, waddling past a dead batman with his parasol and cigar.

This braying cialis, spewing dog shit and miseries in 140 characters or less, ploughing past ecclesiastical canons and legislative standards alike in the name of self supremacy.

This counterfeit crockpot of spoiled milk and clown ulcers squawking their bigoted bombast at whomever’s identity they couldn’t comprehend.

This burning yacht full of dancing tyrants in khaki pants, Claytons and Peytons and Dereks and Lonnies scanning the shore for their replacements with fury and fear in the whites of their petty privileged pupils.

This barbarous fuck-knuckle of nazi nerds, spittling stupidity down their pale dogmatic chins.

These creepy little people with their creepy little thoughts they inflict upon the rest of us.

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