Tonight Show Writing Packet

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GUEST SEGMENTS

-Pin the tail on the donkey

-Flip cup

-Ring around the rosie

-Soccer

-Trust fall

-Go around the room and say your name and where you’re from

-Kickball

-Edward Fortyhands

-Wall ball

-Chutes and Ladders

-Russian Roulette

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SKETCHES

Jimmy plays a skater boy who skates and says “Radical!” or “Tubular!”

Jimmy and a guest have feet for hands and hands for feet. When they shake hands or high five, it’s two feet kicking each other. They have to walk around with shoes on their feet-hands. Huge laughs if done right.

Jimmy banters with The Roots about race politics in America while wearing a fun wig and/or hat.

The Jimmy Fallon Giggle Hour. Throughout the whole show we have PAs on their hands and knees, tickling Jimmy with feathers from every angle. This will ensure maximum giggles for the show’s entirety, I really feel like you guys lose viewers every moment Jimmy isn’t laughing out of nowhere at nothing.

Jimmy screams compliments at his own crotch.

Jimmy eats pudding while wearing a diaper. The dialogue can be some version of “gah gah goo gah I am pudding baby” or like “yum yum slimy poops that taste delicious” or y’know, maybe we don’t need dialogue, it’s strong enough on it’s own.

Jimmy sings a song as Erykah Badu.

Jimmy does all his impressions at once (I think this could be really impressive and my prediction is that it will end up still coming out as just a Bill Cosby impression but I think that’s fine, I’m sure he won’t make any edgy comments since Jimmy has never heard of rape, I read that somewhere)

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MONOLOGUE JOKES

News today, Trump says he plans to deport anyone that looks “darker than tan.” Bad news for my new Avengers spin-off / kung fu super group, “Stark or the Chan.” (Robert Downey Jr. and Jackie Chan walk out. Large applause.)

Anyone heard about this? Apple has postponed the new iPhone launch until 2020. This gives me some time to play Angry Birds without having to update my Zune. (Angry Birds walk out. Wow the applause.)

Big win for Kanye, it looks like Kim Kardashian is pregnant again with a baby girl. Kim was quoted as saying “I just hope the baby is healthy.” Kanye was quoted as saying, “I just hope the baby has a normal size butt unlike her mother so she don’t ruin Kim’s- (A baby walks out. Oh my god, the fucking applause.)

This was a crazy story, Elon Musk is developing a new kind of skin. “Epidermystique” will be a translucent coat that can be applied to people’s skin, making them permanently impervious to sun exposure. Said guidos tanning at the Jersey Shore, *Pauly D voice* “sounds to me like a real ‘Epider-mistake’!” (Jimmy’s skin falls off. A good amount of applause.)

What a week for yogurt fans, Activia announced that- (Jimmy poops his pants. Jamie Lee Curtis walks out. Applause like god damned thunder.)

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Reagan, My Fuck Puppet

These selections were featured in “Catch a Rising Fart”, “The Loud Grizzum Quarterly”, and “Entertainment Weekly”.

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Not Really A Thing

It’s not really a thing.

He lives in Weho.

He’s probably a whore

and that’s what I’m banking on.

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War Cry

I’m the bolshevik

sucking dick

eating

mozzarella sticks

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Reagan, my fuck puppet

I’d legit

take a shit

into Reagan’s clit.

Use his hole

like a goal

with my soccer dick.

Dig his tomb,

flood his womb

with my angry pole.

Rape that slime                                           

more times    

than the AIDS death toll.             

His mud-          

thick blood    

trickles down bright red      

and in hell      

he will dwell      

and he’ll have many friends.

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reagan gun


Marsha Marsha Marsha

These selections were featured in “The Contemplative Carrot Quarterly” as well as “Pizza Bagel Magazine” and “GQ”.

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Date Thoughts

I’ll have the branzino (I hope she likes fish)

and your finest bottle of pinot (I hope she likes wine)

What are your specials? (I hope she’s special)

Sounds good but I’ll stick with the branzino (but not like retarded special)

and some more bread, please (Do I smell? Can she smell me?)

So what do you do for fun? (I really should have showered before this)

Ah, and do you make the candles yourself or just sell them? (just didn’t have time)

Well I would buy your candles for sure (can’t tell her about my hobbies, gotta lie)

I fuck raccoon snouts I was just doing it earlier I forgot to shower which is why I smell I do it all the time and yes they’re living coons I don’t fuck dead snouts that’s unsanitary I’m aware of the health hazards but it makes me happy and my friends tell me I gotta let loose so I’m trying to do that I’d love to make you watch sometime but I could only get hard if it was against your will so I hope you’re cool with that we could do it tonight after dinner I know a good dumpster where the coons hang and we could see if I could wrangle one I’ll hold you by the hair while I hump it’s stupid snot tunnel and shoot my viscous load down it’s rodent sinuses and gunk it up hey why don’t we just skip the dinner and go do this right now I’m all excited I can’t wait for you to meet my roommates (oh darn, the truth slipped out)

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I Am A Toilet And This Is My Song

I am a toilet and I like my hot treats

Burble every morning while he sits on my seat

When my boy drops his stuff, man, it just can’t be beat

I wonder what he ate, it’s probably meat

Whatever, could be cheddar, as long as it’s sweet

On a Mexican night, I know he’s bringing the heat

I love to be a toilet, man, it’s so dang neat

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An Actress, A Prison

My conjugal visit with Marsha didn’t go as planned

She stared at me blankly

I could sense her seething

We only had a half hour

so I started to take my pants off

She shut her eyes in disdain

I pleaded

she was silent

“Marsha Marsha Marsha!”

That used to cheer her up

Like I was Jan Brady

but she didn’t blink this time

She slid me a letter

it read, “I’m not Marsha”

I looked up and asked, “Judy?”

She slid me another letter

it read, “Nope, not Judy either.”

I scratched my head and then it came to me

“You’re Anne Heche.”

She slid me a final letter

“Bingo.”

“Where’s Marsha?”

“I’m playing Marsha.”

So that’s where she’s been.

“Wanna fuck?” I asked.

We fucked

The whole time she kept repeating,

“It’s all for research, it’s all for research”

She let me cum in her

The baby’s due in April

she’s naming it “Research”

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Anne Heche