PISS ~ The Restaurant

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Friends & colleagues,

I’ve been sitting on this announcement for a while, incubating it, singing sweet sings to it and getting it ready for my public…. and so, I am vibrating wet with excitement to finally reveal:

PISS is a new restaurant venture by Laure`n De La Gormpchomp which is my new and permanent name according to multiple governments.

Origins:

The other year or so, I was in a gourmet restaurant place that promised only the finest of foods. What came to my table and in my mouth ended up being delicious, breath-taking, and really quite edible. But then I thought to myself, “Laure’n, is delicious enough?” It was in that moment that I decided that my name was now to be Laure’n and I must set sail on the salivating seas of restaurant-trying-to-make.

A New Beginning:

“Where do I go from here?” I said out loud to a child. “How do I even attempt this” I thought to myself in a sex dungeon. These were questions I was never going to answer so I decided to just buy some bread and go home, covered in lash marks from my session with Master Tanya. But it was at home that I realized I already owned a restaurant so I would just go do that then.

Creating The Menu:

This was gonna be a toughie hard one but also difficult. I had to make sure that only the sexiest and most adequate chefs would be eligible to cook for PISS. How to find physically attractive chefs willing to pay me $40 dollars an hour to work at my restaurant? Duh! CentralCasting.com! That’s where I found all the actors for my student web series about a group of friends who like to hang out.

I placed the ad and received millions of submissions, mostly from ducks. Then I realized I had accidentally placed an ad for ducks. When I replaced the ad with the correct one, there was only one submission so I hired him. Chef Lonnie Allahballahchoochoo seemed to have three different kinds of downs syndrome, all worse than the last, and he tried to fuck my shoes. I knew this was going to be a challenge! I bought a new pair of shoes and then me and Chef Lonnie started work on the menu. In a long and arduous 17 minutes, we came up with every recipe and mocked up a final draft of our perfect, high-class menu. We shouted out the window in triumph!

The Grand Opening:

With the menu so fucking sexy that it made me fully erect for four straight days, I was ready to open my restaurant that I already owned. Chef Lonnie hired his staff from myspace and I approved them based on their looks and the songs that would play when you opened their profiles. The walls were all made of paper, the tables were definitely tables, and the napkins don’t matter. I was ready to open my restaurant that I already talked about earlier just now.

People came in droves, which is a word I don’t know the definition of but am confident in it’s validity. Everybody liked the food except for a dozen people that were all Jews. I know they were Jews because I called them Jews to their faces.

Success! Wow what a big good time. We closed the next day because of cicadas and fire but I gotta insist, come to PISS, or you’re sure to miss!… the great foods and ambiance.

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Take a long wet look at these 6 food items that will make you go “OH MY WOW!”

Oh yum yum and wow! Look at these delicious items we’re all just slobbering underneath, here at the office! These are the edible items that will make your tongue go, “Oh no I couldn’t surpass the YES of this!”

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Oh wow oh no! Look at you drool! Food is just not supposed to be this fuck-worthy. When we gazed upon this heck of a patty we couldn’t help but toot and shout “What the HECK!” before wetting ourselves with hunger.

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Holy yumma yumma ouch! Look at you cum! Look at you piss! Who could blame ya? Especially after feasting your melted eyes at the undulating stomach beauty of these dazzling perverted noodles. I love-a the food-a! Wow wow wow wow unfffffffffffffff

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The first time I came into contact with an item this level of WOW, I was 19 years old and had never seen a person naked, not even myself. My alopecia was in full swing and my life was pretty much not very wow. To celebrate my lack of hair, my foster father bought me this coned item and I never looked back. He made me mop up my cum and my piss but it was all worth it for the sheer OH MY GOD and UNFFFFF and YUMMA YUMMA OUCH of it all! I’ve still never seen a person naked.

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OH FUCK I’VE CUM AND I’VE PISSED AND THEY FLOW LIKE WOW!!!!!! My cum is wet and thick because oh my WOOF just look at this item. It’s too much. I must look away. Alright. There. My hunger is subsiding…. Maybe a quick peak? OH HUMP MY THROAT-PUSSY WITH YOUR STARCH LUMPS, FATHER!!!!

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Food. A mandatory element for survival. Our flesh prisons cannot function without the constant consumption of some form of sustenance. We cannot stagnate, we cannot falter, for should we cease to eat, we cease to live. Thus is the cyclical curse of every living organism.

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I am at once horny with hunger and melancholy as this is the final gorgeous photograph of the sensual food that makes my body go wow. This item in particular is like whoa. I mean just unfff and fap fap fap fap fap. This is the true yummy oh my god of all the foods that make me go retarded with appetite. It is as if I am only stomach and there is no world beyond myself and this egg that I named Stacey. Wow. And oh my unfffff, I drool and I defecate over these items.

 


Clown Ulcers

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This failed enema of a president dwelling in his spider web treehouse with his bloated brood of raccoons, donning haunted gangrenous smirks as the national consciousness metastasizes into over-wrought hysteria.

This orange burlap sack full of simpering bats, wiggling his half-soft turd arms to entertain his legions of bewildered bootlickers as they lap up the poisonous watery cum-snot, piddled on the groundswell by his shriveled chlamydic plantain dick.

This rasping elegy for tranquility, an incessant wart on the deflating phallus of capitalism, waddling past a dead batman with his parasol and cigar.

This braying cialis, spewing dog shit and miseries in 140 characters or less, ploughing past ecclesiastical canons and legislative standards alike in the name of self supremacy.

This counterfeit crockpot of spoiled milk and clown ulcers squawking their bigoted bombast at whomever’s identity they couldn’t comprehend.

This burning yacht full of dancing tyrants in khaki pants, Claytons and Peytons and Dereks and Lonnies scanning the shore for their replacements with fury and fear in the whites of their petty privileged pupils.

This barbarous fuck-knuckle of nazi nerds, spittling stupidity down their pale dogmatic chins.

These creepy little people with their creepy little thoughts they inflict upon the rest of us.

Apologies for the impromptu slam poetry. I am trembling with anger.

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My List

Okay, I’m doing one of these too! Was really hard to decide but here’s my list:

1989: Unborn lol

1990: Birth

1991: My mother singing songs to lull me to sleep

1992: Birthday party with my whole family

1993: Climbing trees and picking apples

1994: Puppet show from my mom

1995: Sledding in the winter

1996: First day of school

1997: Recognizing the slow descent into isolation

1998: Kickball

1999: Cutting off my pinky toe and wearing it around my neck as a warning to Allen Malakoff not to fuck with me in homeroom

2000: Melting the nurse’s flip-flops into rubber puddy, molding it into a statue of the boy I share a room with in the psych ward so he’ll love me

2001: Helped do 9/11 jk lol not really sure tbh

2002: Finally coming home from the psych ward to find that my parents have turned my room into a scrapbooking station and I am to sleep in the attic now

2003: Chopping off my mother’s ponytail in her sleep, waving it around like a tomahawk as she chases me scream-sobbing, eating it so that she’ll know that I am the cosmic Apache chief of this realm and my first act of martial law is to ban all superfluous body-attachments

2004: Welcome to Mooseport

2005: They won’t let me have a lighter so I smoke invisible cigarettes whenever I’m allowed in the courtyard

2006: Can’t remember, I was put on a daily thorazine drip

2007: Arts n’ crafts

2008: On a field trip to an ice cream parlor I barked at a family

2009: Memory gets increasingly nebulous as they add lithium and horse tranquilizers to my dosage

2010: arttss nd carftss

2011: it’s hot in my grassplains, please almighty Oprizium, my lord and butcher, deliver me from the undulating climate and these perilous sessions with the evil Dr. Rosen, he’s trying to steal my bread

2012: Created the Mayan calendar for gits and shiggles

2013: Found a shovel and named it Daniel

2014: Daniel betrayed me, I threw him at an orderly and hid under my mattress for three weeks

2015: Began writing letters to prisoners pretending to be a playboy model named Destiny, finding out their social security numbers, blackmailing them for information about the warden of light and color

2016: Got a sub-prime auto loan

2017: They released me from the ward due to good behavior and significant faked progress in therapy, planning a coup on the concept of time, writing lists to show my friends a little glimpse into my interests and hobbies

lol i’m just like you 🙂

EDIT: so apparently I “didn’t do this right”?


The Church of Arby’s

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I’ve come to understand my deep and steadfast love for Arby’s. It’s not because the food is delicious. Arby’s is the one place that allows me to be my true self.

When the night sky is a pale winter navy over Sunset and Tamarind at 7:23pm, the hot glow of that towering cowboy hat signal is a neon north star for the dregs of society. The patrons at Arby’s are connected by a disgusting commonality. Depraved untouchables, squirming gelatinously from their vehicles to the horsey sauce station. Meat-bound underlings, crawling towards the heated high of au jus, french dipping their intestines into diabetic oblivion. Pigs eating cows.
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There are crystal-rubbing vagrants surrounding the corner booth with broken bicycle parts and beard shavings, staring into their thin beef slices as Goodbye Stranger by Supertramp hums throughout the din at a low and lovely frequency. There are chunky Hispanic couples arguing loudly about perceived sexual glances over their smokehouse brisket sammies. There are forehead-scarred army men, trying to forget their lives for a mere 30 minutes as they inhale their steak fajita flatbread and buffalo chicken sliders. There is me. A thyroid-less lunatic, whom on any other day would attempt to mask his grotesque tendencies, but today, here, now, at this fast food establishment, he is free to air out his bent brains, his bug-eyed behavior, his bellicose mania manifesting in a meaty delirium of “fuck the world” beefery, eating his feelings like they were on fire and the only way to fan the flames was with swift and violent consumption.
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Fuck you, earth. I am the sun, moon, and the cows. I am the end to all lettuce. I am an infinite onion roll, slathered in cheesy garish goop. I am god chugging curly fries. Hello, I’m Arby, nice to fuck you (with my mouth and gut). Now kiss me and tell your friends you’ve smooched the devil. I’ll be in the attic, grinding up against the crumbs on the floor, braying about my golden years as a stomach.
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When I leave I will have nothing. I will no longer be at one with grease. I will no longer be a Picasso of pork belly and pain. My senses will un-dull and I will revert back to societal banalities like laundry and sleep. I will drift away from my self. When I leave this booth and this building and climb back into my 2016 Toyota Camry with it’s working air conditioning and reliable safety rating, I will shed the memory of the meal that was me. I will be a citizen once more, causing no conscious harm to the world or my body. I will be so full that I am empty.
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My words will lose their wonder along with their alliteration. I will peruse the echoes of the internet to find the Nihilist Arby’s twitter handle and see that even this, my most self destructive and authentically profound feelings for this chain of chains has already been explored, inspected, discarded. I will return to bed, beaten like a bear after Folsom. Tattered like a twink after Dore Alley. My mind divided in chaos like the whole city of San Francisco. But I will lie here in Los Angeles and hope for the best in the morning.
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I will cling to the quicksand of my youth as I return in one month’s time, ignoring the warnings my father’s death provided. There and then, again, I will fetishize my sadness. I will make it all about me. I will discover the secrets of every one of my flaws and personality defects, my deep-seated issues and phobias, my arrested development and addictions, and I will shove them down into the forgotten bowels of my gullet with the biggest beef n’ cheddar they can bolster. I will figure out how to be happy and toss out my findings with a half-scraped carton of bronco berry sauce.
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It’s waiting for you. You can discover these American secrets for yourselves. As you approach from Santa Monica and Wilton, you’ll return to that voice in your head that asks, “remember when you were a child and nobody liked you?” You’ll answer “Yes. I remember”. It’ll ask “Remember eating lunch in the stairwell?” You’ll answer, “Yes. I remember”. It’ll ask, “Remember feeling content with just being yourself and existing?”. You’ll scratch your head and answer, “Nope. Don’t remember that.” And the voice will laugh a lofty bully-cackle, lacquered with that special brand of childhood malice.
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When your post-gluttony coma commences, you’ll optimistically attempt to think of how tonight could have been worse. You could have chosen Carl’s Jr. only to find one-third of the insight that our great and mighty Arby’s hath subpoena’d. Yet, there is only one true barbecue cowboy god. Only one smoked house of worship. Only one potato cake sanctuary. I bow to you, my queen. I pray on bended knee, to fill my flesh with flesh. Please deliver me from perdition. Provide some respite from myself. Coat me in sugar and salt and let me forget.
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Amen.
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arby's

Phil Nulman is gone.

 

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My dad died on August 13th, 2016.

I click through the shirtless photos of the gym-bodied men on facebook and instagram and I speak to them. I say out loud once per photo, “congratulations.” then immediately click to the next one, “congratulations. congratulations. you must be so proud. congratulations. oh wow. congratulations. must be nice. congrats.” My bitterness knows no boundaries and no one can stop me now. I am erratic, unpredictable, my feelings will spew violently in every direction like a broken boiling hose and I am entitled to this. I have congressional approval to scream “nazi jew cunt”  at the top of my lungs at the car that tried to cut into my lane. I have a hall pass to break into a flash-sob while pouring ginger ale and stop as quick as I started then go look at dicks on the internet as distraction. I am in the Delta Sky Club of people who can lie around and feel like utter ass-shit while never attempting anything productive and/or helpful to feel better. Fuck feeling better. Feeling like garbage is where I’ve built my teepee, it is where I’ve planted my crops, laid with men, ingested meds, cemented my feet, foraged for more trash emotions, eaten Dave’s Classic Triples from Wendy’s. I am pregnant with hate-bile and desolate wretch and despair. I am gone. I am now someone else. Someone writhing on the inside while ordering a Mexican coke at the cafe. Someone one follicle away from complete and total madness while discussing media with clueless peers at a party. Someone weeping with every movement. Someone broken and empty and tired of the voice in his head. Someone ill-equipped to get along in this world and too angry and sad to learn. Someone strong and trying. Someone desperate.

People come up to you. People you barely know. People you don’t know at all. They say they’re sorry to hear. Suddenly you’re having casual conversation with a stranger about the deepest most effectively horrible thing to ever happen to you. Your true life tragedy becomes trivialized, sanitized, shoved in a box and placed on the lowest shelf to talk about but not open up. They give you their condolences and you wish you knew what they were. Can you buy a sandwich with condolences? I’ll take all of your condolences if so. They shake their heads and scrunch their faces and try to understand but they can’t unless they know. You’ll find that now, when talking to someone that doesn’t know, there is a distance that wasn’t there before. You’ve reached somewhere new, deeper, stranger, but they are still on the Earth’s surface trying to lighten the mood.

You are still funny. You are still a good time. You are still hungry. You are still horny. You are still you. But you carry something with you now. The knowledge that you will now have to live your entire life and he won’t be there for any of it. He is gone. Gone gone, for real gone, like actually, physically, totally never here or anywhere again. They say that as cheesy as it sounds, “He will be with you forever.” You cringe at every saccharine cliche but this one you want to believe. This one you MUST believe or the darkness will envelop you and his absence will never turn bearable.

You go to the grocery store. You do your laundry. You go to parties. You go to bars. You drive your car. You go for a jog. You remember your father is dead. A grapefruit-sized ball of itchy oxygen thrusts up through your insides and lodges itself firmly in your throat. You shakily breathe in and out, catching your breath like an asthmatic child who fell down. You go to the post office. You get ice cream. You pay your bills. You go to sleep. You wake up. You brush your teeth. You look in the mirror. Your dad is still dead. You shower. You towel off. You get dressed. You drive your car. You live your life. And then you realize, living is to keep walking. Walking and walking across the canyon while others suddenly and gradually fall away, into the abyss, but you just keep walking. The more people fall, the more you accept that the walk is the walk and you can’t stop to stare into the void, screaming for the fallen for too long without losing sight of your own unique walk. You continue while others drift in and out until one day you will be the one who falls and then the others will keep walking and you’ll just be another one of their stories of a guy they knew who fell off the path that everyone walks. And you’re fine with it? You don’t know. No one knows.

You can’t find a conclusion. You can’t wrap anything in a bow and present it as a lesson you’ve learned through the horror. You only have feelings. So many thrashing feelings. You realize you’ve been disassociating. I come back into myself. I am jarred into the present. I am a human being. I am alive. I had forgotten.


My Ex-Boyfriend Saves The World

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When I saw my ex-boyfriend had posted a picture to instagram of himself and his new boyfriend smiling at a worksite with Habitat for Humanity helmets on, a few thoughts came across my mind.

1.

Wow. Good for you guys. Giving something back to the community. Altruism is alive and well. And documented. On an app. No good deed is ever justified until shared with everyone you know. So thanks for showing us all how helpful you are! Very inspiring.

2.

Wow. I should tell them about that time that I held the door open for that large Hispanic family. It was like a darn clown car, so many kids my arm started to get tired! But the appreciative look on that single Latina woman’s face was all I needed as compensation for almost injuring my arm. I guess I could have taken a selfie of that moment but… I guess it just never crossed my mind. Personally I never even thought to tell everyone about my mitzvahs, I just do them and reap a smile as reward. Like the time I held the door open for that old Asian man. Maybe I should share that with them as a fellow philanthropist. Oh bah! They probably wouldn’t want to hear from me. I’m “the ex”. And I don’t have a new boyfriend to take cloyingly charitable photos with in abandoned buildings filled with dirt. I guess I’ll just keep doing these deeds unnoticed. I don’t personally live for the “likes” but of course, to each his own.

3.

Wow. It’s so noble that they’re willing to get down in the mud and really get their hands photographed. But that must be taking a toll on their actual career-paths. You can’t make experimental music videos featuring candles and spoons AND save the world. It’s such a shame because I’m sure they have so much to offer.

4.

Wow! You know what? I think that one day in the next two to three years when my sold-out play, “The Boy Who Could Only Give” wins an Obie, I’ll mention them in my acceptance speech. Or more realistically I’ll mention them in my post awards show interview. My speech is a little jam-packed already with all of the sherpas I need to thank. Then of course I’ll speak on my journey that took my quest to the voyage I’m currently embarking within, and then I’ll need to thank my partner Raoul (stop taking your shirt off you silly goose! We get it! You’re a 10!) and finally I’ll need to thank my parents and God/Buddha/Vishnu/Abraham/Gandhi/Mother Theresa/Oprah.

5.

Fuck off.

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