PISS ~ The RestaurantPosted: September 26, 2017
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Friends & colleagues,
I’ve been sitting on this announcement for a while, incubating it, singing sweet sings to it and getting it ready for my public…. and so, I am vibrating wet with excitement to finally reveal:
PISS is a new restaurant venture by Laure`n De La Gormpchomp which is my new and permanent name according to multiple governments.
The other year or so, I was in a gourmet restaurant place that promised only the finest of foods. What came to my table and in my mouth ended up being delicious, breath-taking, and really quite edible. But then I thought to myself, “Laure’n, is delicious enough?” It was in that moment that I decided that my name was now to be Laure’n and I must set sail on the salivating seas of restaurant-trying-to-make.
A New Beginning:
“Where do I go from here?” I said out loud to a child. “How do I even attempt this” I thought to myself in a sex dungeon. These were questions I was never going to answer so I decided to just buy some bread and go home, covered in lash marks from my session with Master Tanya. But it was at home that I realized I already owned a restaurant so I would just go do that then.
Creating The Menu:
This was gonna be a toughie hard one but also difficult. I had to make sure that only the sexiest and most adequate chefs would be eligible to cook for PISS. How to find physically attractive chefs willing to pay me $40 dollars an hour to work at my restaurant? Duh! CentralCasting.com! That’s where I found all the actors for my student web series about a group of friends who like to hang out.
I placed the ad and received millions of submissions, mostly from ducks. Then I realized I had accidentally placed an ad for ducks. When I replaced the ad with the correct one, there was only one submission so I hired him. Chef Lonnie Allahballahchoochoo seemed to have three different kinds of downs syndrome, all worse than the last, and he tried to fuck my shoes. I knew this was going to be a challenge! I bought a new pair of shoes and then me and Chef Lonnie started work on the menu. In a long and arduous 17 minutes, we came up with every recipe and mocked up a final draft of our perfect, high-class menu. We shouted out the window in triumph!
The Grand Opening:
With the menu so fucking sexy that it made me fully erect for four straight days, I was ready to open my restaurant that I already owned. Chef Lonnie hired his staff from myspace and I approved them based on their looks and the songs that would play when you opened their profiles. The walls were all made of paper, the tables were definitely tables, and the napkins don’t matter. I was ready to open my restaurant that I already talked about earlier just now.
People came in droves, which is a word I don’t know the definition of but am confident in it’s validity. Everybody liked the food except for a dozen people that were all Jews. I know they were Jews because I called them Jews to their faces.
Success! Wow what a big good time. We closed the next day because of cicadas and fire but I gotta insist, come to PISS, or you’re sure to miss!… the great foods and ambiance.