My Ex-Boyfriend Saves The World

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When I saw my ex-boyfriend had posted a picture to instagram of himself and his new boyfriend smiling at a worksite with Habitat for Humanity helmets on, a few thoughts came across my mind.


Wow. Good for you guys. Giving something back to the community. Altruism is alive and well. And documented. On an app. No good deed is ever justified until shared with everyone you know. So thanks for showing us all how helpful you are! Very inspiring.


Wow. I should tell them about that time that I held the door open for that large Hispanic family. It was like a darn clown car, so many kids my arm started to get tired! But the appreciative look on that single Latina woman’s face was all I needed as compensation for almost injuring my arm. I guess I could have taken a selfie of that moment but… I guess it just never crossed my mind. Personally I never even thought to tell everyone about my mitzvahs, I just do them and reap a smile as reward. Like the time I held the door open for that old Asian man. Maybe I should share that with them as a fellow philanthropist. Oh bah! They probably wouldn’t want to hear from me. I’m “the ex”. And I don’t have a new boyfriend to take cloyingly charitable photos with in abandoned buildings filled with dirt. I guess I’ll just keep doing these deeds unnoticed. I don’t personally live for the “likes” but of course, to each his own.


Wow. It’s so noble that they’re willing to get down in the mud and really get their hands photographed. But that must be taking a toll on their actual career-paths. You can’t make experimental music videos featuring candles and spoons AND save the world. It’s such a shame because I’m sure they have so much to offer.


Wow! You know what? I think that one day in the next two to three years when my sold-out play, “The Boy Who Could Only Give” wins an Obie, I’ll mention them in my acceptance speech. Or more realistically I’ll mention them in my post awards show interview. My speech is a little jam-packed already with all of the sherpas I need to thank. Then of course I’ll speak on my journey that took my quest to the voyage I’m currently embarking within, and then I’ll need to thank my partner Raoul (stop taking your shirt off you silly goose! We get it! You’re a 10!) and finally I’ll need to thank my parents and God/Buddha/Vishnu/Abraham/Gandhi/Mother Theresa/Oprah.


Fuck off.

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