New Poems

A lot of people don’t know this about me because it isn’t true but I’m a poet. Here’s some of my new work. They will be featured in “The Stem and the Cum Quarterly” as well as “Crow Mother International” and “Sports Illustrated”.



Roses are red

Violets are blue

Give me back my fucking daughter.



You said I was a dick or a prick

or one of those ick words

and I should apologize to your roommate

The dumb bag of tits

What? Am I supposed to apologize to the toilet every time I shit?

It’s a toilet

What I mean to say is

Your roommate is a toilet


Drink Order

Can I get a vodka ton-


Oh, you aren’t a bartender.

You’re a wet nurse.

This is a hospital.


Can I get a White Russian?

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