Porn Reviews

starring:

Cream Abdul Jabbar (Everybody Fucks; Black Attack 7: Still Blacking, Still Attacking)

&

Whorey Amos (The Cum Diaries; The Dish of Doom; Women Are Objects 43)

 

Written & Directed by Steve (Mr. Fist & Twist; The Color of Cock; That Isn’t Cream Cheese)

 

Description on back of dvd:

Desiree Dessert Tray lay sprawled across a mocha-colored rug in a candy cabin presumably reeking of gingerbread and nuts. Her burnt cinnamon hair covering her cream puff crawdad D-cups, she wanted it bad, right in the sweet tart. Just as her quivering licorice laces were growing cold and barren, Captain Cake Fuck came to cream the day!

He barreled through the chocolate log door and stood, pink and gleaming with an erection more savory than sweet. Desiree quarter-turned toward him and exclaimed, “Captain Cake Fuck! Thank heavens you’re here! My pussy pie was starting to melt.” Captain Cake Fuck replied, “I have just what you need”. Just then, a strange offscreen phantom hand behind the door presented a blue and magenta birthday cake that the Captain clumsily accepted and held in the air like a prized rooster in a back alley circle-ring in non-touristy Cozumel.

Squeezing his member into Desiree’s tiramisu proved devilishly delectable as the Cap’n used the moist confection as lubricant. Fucking with salivating vigor, Desiree squealed, “You’ve defeated my Napoleon!” as the Cap’n commented, “I’m gonna bake your alaska.” As the Cap reached orgasm, his man cream was lost in the mist of cake frost and sugary sweat. “That was scrumptious.” claimed Desi. Captain Cake Fuck had roasted her flambe and roasted it good.

 

Review:

All in all, Captain Cake Fuck was solid. Cream Abdul Jabbar shows versatility with this role, proving he’s not just a gangbang thug. He can also play heroic and troubled. Whorey Amos however is her usual self, a non-moving beauty, lying motionless on the floor as she is balled with a white cake covered black cock.

The direction is rife with bold choices by (whom some would argue, Adult Artist) Steve. There are no less than four screen wipes revealing the next sexual position and use of the cake. The most daring being the sudden transition from the Three-Pronged Jackelope to the Alcoholic Uncle, utilizing the cake frosting as a food and lube simultaneously.

One would expect more desserts to be initiated but after all, this film was shot on a tight budget, transparent due to the Piggly Wiggly sticker on the cake’s cover, revealing a clumsy yet forgivable faux-pa. Perhaps we can hope for more sugary spectacle in the sequel?

I give the film three boners and an erect chode.

 

 

starring:

Miley Virus (Battle of the Bulge in my Pants; ThighCarly)

Dickolas Diamond (The Plug the Rug Crew 6, 7, 9, 13)

Ricky Emerald (The Plug the Rug Crew 3, 7, 8)

Nick Gemstone (The Plug the Rug Crew 1 through 11)

Donny McFatCock (Vacuum Girl 2: The Suckage Continues; Plowing Miss Daisy)

&

Jeff Daniels (Fly Away Home, The Squid and the Whale, Because of Winn-Dixie)

 

Written & Directed by Roddy Goutman (There Will Be Cum; Sewer Sex Sally)

 

Description on back of dvd:

Rebecca wandered the streets of a dilapidated, dystopian city aptly named, Fuck Town, scrounging every dumpster and dive bar for chicken-flavored ramen broth in the maggot-wrought pockets of hot bags of garbage. It was her 16th birthday and she had managed to fend for herself since birth in this shit-stain city, her only possessions: a toothbrush shiv, a lucky rat’s tail, and tattered spandex rags wrapped tightly around her youthfully busty body.

Tiptoeing through a back-alley, Rebecca approached a dumpster in search of sustenance. Just then, four large men with frosted tips appeared inexplicably from behind the dumpster, smugly side-smiling at Rebecca as she trembled with fear. “We are going to fuck you” said one of the tanner-than-usual men. Her little orphan eyes welled up with parentless tears as she reached in her pocket for the shiv she had fashioned. She lifted it with courage but the one black thug of the group, and certainly the most sassy, smacked it from her small, sexy hand.

Grabbing at Rebecca’s raggedy clothing, the men tore her threads asunder, leaving her naked, without wearing anything, exposed, and in the nude. The tan man was the first to enter her, followed by the slightly less tan man, then the even less tan man, and then the tannest of all, the black one. After a minute of quadruple penetration, Rebecca started to submit as a smile crept across her nubile, angelic face. The men had literally fucked the sadness out of her.

 

Review:

Orphan porn at it’s very best. Miley Virus is sensational as the young street urchin, Rebecca. At first it was not very believable for the 38 year-old Miley to be portraying the 16 year-old vagabond you see on the screen but Virus quickly slips into the role with an adolescent whimsy we haven’t seen since Cat on a Hot Tin Roofie. A “Golden Bone Award” for best female cumshot may very well be in Ms. Virus’ imminent future.

The street thugs are standard fare for these kind of back-alley gangbang scenes though Donny McFatCock stands out as the less tanned rapist. Writer/Director Roddy Goutman displays his mastery of the craft when the quartet pause their pounding for a reverse rim job; a truly unexpected and intrepid move that keeps the audience wanking.

This film’s heart-warming yet subversive message is that even after a life of crack-addled despair and cry-knifing hobos for a spare nickel or a trench-coat full of mothballs, there’s still hope in the carnal pleasure of a brutal rape turned mutual. Perhaps Rebecca didn’t need parents after all!

P.S.- Keep a lookout in the background during when Ricky Emerald is biting Miley’s hair. Jeff Daniels makes an accidental cameo by walking past the back-alley with his wife and kids, eating a funnel cake.

I give the film four boners and a half staff.

 

 

 

starring:

Betty Boom-Boom (When Penises Attack; ShawSPANK Redemption; I Didn’t Know You Were Lebanese)

&

Hilda Humpfree (Lady Fingers 1 through 4; Valerie’s Vulva; Pussy Slaps! The Anthology)

 

Written & Directed by Dick Buzzleby (Turner & Cooch; The President of Poon; Ernest Goes to Town on Some Chick)

 

Description on back of dvd:

Betty Boom Boom lies melancholy on her couch, wearing a loose-fitting Bard University sweatshirt and pajama bottoms with little ducks on them. She eats Dulce De Leche ice cream while sadly staring at television soap operas. Clearly something is amiss. Suddenly, the doorbell rings and Betty pulls herself up to answer it. It’s Hilda Humpfree, Betty’s buxom best friend. Hilda brought apricots and a dvd of “The Pelican Brief” so they could have a ladies’ night in, but Hilda quickly sees that something is wrong with her friend and it isn’t just a regular case of the Mondays.

Betty explains that her boyfriend just broke up with her and all she wants to do tonight is eat herself into a cinnamon coma of soapy regret. Hilda brings Betty back to the couch to console her. The consoling quickly turns into fucking, of course. Betty is taken aback at first by Hilda’s advances but ultimately allows herself to be overwhelmed. Hilda takes control as she loots Betty’s blonde forest for coconut milk. Betty moans with ecstasy as Hilda swats the Haagen Dazs from the couch, delivering on the promise made in the title of the film and repeating the rhetoric, “Who Needs Haagen Dazs?”.

 

Review:

Overwrought and underwhelming, this was the worst piece of shit I have ever jerked off to. Dick Buzzleby disappoints yet again with this faux lesbian affair. Normally as two blonde and breasty beauties falsely exclaim pleasure, one feels a tightening of the pants. But with “Who Needs Haagen Dazs?” it just feels tired, grey, and condescending.

Hilda Humpfree and Betty Boom Boom do the best they can with the material at hand and a director who has clearly never masturbated to his own work. Ultimately, the whole film falls apart into a disjointed mess of cunt bumping, tit twisting, and tongue tickling failure. Just before the credits, Hilda Humpfree ends up with broken nails and we end up with limp members.

I give this film a flaccid penis and a valium.


One Comment on “Porn Reviews”

  1. Anonymous says:

    you are so weird Sam.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s