I joined an online dating website recently because I have a masochistic tendency to seek out rejection even if it’s in a virtual setting.



Just when I thought I couldn’t be more full of hate.

Apparently dating wasn’t difficult enough so they needed to completely dehumanize it into an online silent auction. Dating sites are all basically just ebay but with lonely boners everywhere. Especially when you’re gay.



You should never go on a dating website when you’re horny. It’s like going to the grocery store when you’re hungry. EVERYTHING looks good.

“Oh look! A 43 year-old Home Depot clerk with only one picture of a silhouetted profile! Will you have shallow, needy sex with me, you transitory stranger of tonight?”

My browsing never matters though. Due to my satire of a profile, I usually only get messages from bovine schmucks.

I now present a real, actual conversation I had with a guy that messaged me on the instant chat. Let’s call him Tommy the Tool.


Tommy the Tool: hey

Phantom Future: hi

TT: how are you?

you look so startled in your photo

PF: haha i’m in a constant state of startle

TT: why is that?


just kidding

PF: psychosis, exactly

TT: really?

you are psychotic at times?

PF: only when i’m fed after midnight

TT: that’s weird

i’ve had enough!

PF: haha had enough of what?

TT: the whole conversation about your psychosis

that’s just weird

PF: yeah, i also have a mild form of polio

TT: okay enough


PF: it’s called folio

i have paralyzed ears rather than FDR legs


do you wanna see?

i have pictures

i also have bowlemia

that’s where you can’t stop vomiting bowling balls

oh shit there’s one coming now

i think it’s gonna be a strike!

anyway, it was nice chatting with you

i’ll message you every day from now until forever



Apparently he couldn’t appreciate a good Gremlins reference. He was probably too busy sniffing wax paper and soaking his bib with drool to understand that the weird guy with the jokey profile was making jokes at him. Oh well.


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