Walking Etiquette

New York City is centered around walking. If you don’t know how to walk, then you probably shouldn’t live here. I’m not talking about babies who haven’t stood on two legs yet; I’m talking about inconsiderate idiots.

First, there’s the slow walkers.

You’re walking on a narrow street where there is only room for two skinny emaciated Asian girls to walk beside each other or just one fat ass.

In front of you is one fat ass. They sense you behind them. But they don’t care. They have nowhere to be and this is a leisure walk for them. Other humans don’t register on their self-involved radars.

Other humans dont exist. Its just me and Kesha.

Then there’s people who for some unknown reason, as you pass them on the street, decide to start walking diagonally towards you like you are made of clouds and they can just pass right through you.

I am important. You are not.

Sometimes, a gaggle of friends who have probably all left the Asshole Recreation Center together, will walk side by side down the sidewalk, creating an annoying game of red rover with everyone that passes.

Theres many different shades of asshole

Tourists are the worst offenders of walking crimes. There will be a family consisting of: fat dad in hawaiian shirt, gum-chewing mom with fanny pack, and brood of wide-eyed chubster children meandering about like lost penguins.

They will walk at a comatose rate, gawking at street signs and pointing at buildings, then decide to stop walking for a moment as they stare at a department store window display with family-friendly, christmas-themed, large-chested mannequins in hump poses. They will then slowly decide to continue moving, and will repeat this until they get to their hotel where they will presumably blitzkrieg the mini-fridge.

“Wheres the nearest Mcdonalds?”

Then there is the guy that will pass you with a swift breeze of passive-aggression leaving you to think, “What an asshole. Was I not moving fast enough for him?”

That guy is me and the answer is yes: You were not moving fast enough. I’m a busy man, I got places to be, so step aside if you see me coming. I gotta get home to lie around in my underwear, eat easy mac, and stare blankly at the ceiling.


4 Comments on “Walking Etiquette”

  1. kate says:

    ugh you’re the funniest person ever

  2. Daisy says:

    I have read all of your posts and almost literally pissed myself laughing at all of them… you should feel proud at this acomplishment

  3. […] by people with poor walking skills. If you feel similarly, you will appreciate a post from the Phantom Future […]

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