SHUTUPMOM

My mother has no filter.

I’ve often suggested a muzzle would be an effective method of vocal regulation. This (superb) idea has yet to be met with regard since, seeing that I possess no credentials of any sort, no one has taken heed of my brilliance as of yet…

In every situation, this woman feels the need to interject a platitude and/or tell my life story.

 

RESTAURANTS:


 

THE DOCTOR’S:

 

THE MOVIES:

 

MY LOVE LIFE:

 

After listening to the babble in restrained silence for a while, I’ll finally reach a breaking point.

KINDLY SHUT YOUR FACE

 

Then, at this point, someone nearby who has only heard my retaliation screech, will feel the need to get involved.

 

This self-righteous schmuck-hole is usually a friend of mine. According to the unwritten rule-book of friendship, friends are supposed to unequivocally agree with their friends’ mom.

I find myself doing it all the time:

 

After being berated for breaking the fifth commandment, I’ll slink away silently as my mother smirks with a shit-eating grin and her nose in the air.

The cycle will then repeat and repeat and repeat.

 

If you or a friend has this same problem and is in dire need of assistance,

please call 1-800-MY-JEWISH-MOTHER-NEVER-STOPS-SQUAWKING

It’s important to get the help you need. Please call now before the woman runs out of breath from an excited filibuster about dollar store toiletries, rapidly fans herself with a tupperware pamphlet during a menopausal hot flash, and passes out loudly while muttering improvement tips regarding the length of your fingernails.

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One Comment on “SHUTUPMOM”

  1. Nick says:

    You are a weird kid, but you make me laugh sometimes.


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